Want a recipe for a lifelong friendship? Ask and answer these four questions about your friend:
(1) What am I trying to learn from this person?
Openly acknowledge his/her strength in that area and ask for mentorship, while actively creating opportunities for them to share their knowledge with you. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary as you absorb their knowledge. If you think this person has nothing to teach you, look harder. If they are not willing to share their knowledge with you, and the information isn't justifiably private, move on to someone else who doesn't hoard their talents.
(2) What can I contribute that would really make a difference for this person right now?
Who is this person trying to become? What problem are they trying to solve? Is their vision for what's possible too small for their talents? Listen intently and carefully first, with a curiosity of spirit. Discover who they really are, injecting nothing of yourself. Be the fresh perspective, the Socratic questioner, the Devil's Advocate-- the balloon artist who offers an infinite array of colors and shapes to be chosen, unchosen, and re-chosen, and then acts to inflate the final choice. Most importantly, give support in the spirit of enriching-- not fixing.
(3) What does this person freely and naturally love to give to his/her friends?
What does this person seem to have a boundless capacity to give? What actions authentically energize them? These are the things they most want to offer, and that make them feel deeply valued in the act of their giving. Freely ask them for this thing when you need or want it, secure in the knowledge that they are willing, able, and delighted to give it.
(4) What does this person not have the capacity to give?
Is there something this person never makes time for or shows interest in? Don't ever ask them to provide this thing. Often, their expressed guilt or frustration with another person due to lacking some trait or interest can serve as a guide to what you should never request from them. Do they hate talking politics? Even if it's your favorite topic, discuss it with another friend who enjoys that sort of thing. Do they like to go to bed early? Don't pressure them to attend an event that runs until midnight. Do they make half your income? Invite them out for meals that suit their budget; not yours. Anticipate and avoid emotional land mines. Your friends aim to please you; if you love them, rig the rules to ensure that they're playing a game they can win. Thankfully, you have other friends to share these experiences with. A person who can't give you everything you need can still love you, if you choose to let them.
It is an act of generosity to complete this exercise for any loved one, and is guaranteed to either extend the life of your relationship or help inform whether you should let it go. If you are my friend, rest assured I have completed this for you.
Would you be willing to return the favor?
