Relationships are for relating; they are not for "being right."
Have you ever noticed how, among the countless topics that people could agree on, they tend to gravitate toward the ones that cause conflict? To deny themselves that feeling of connection they could enjoy with a friend or loved one based on what brought them together in the first place, before they figured out everything about the other person they wanted to "fix"?
We fancy ourselves vitally necessary to the "enlightenment" of strangers and loved ones alike, wearing our black robes of Judgement as we brazenly stride through the Court of Mankind. We know this will work, because the fear of not being liked or accepted by others is universal. We know that because we have all felt the sting of it ourselves. And on the cycle goes.
Forgetting that we are all more alike than we are different is the lifeblood of social media, the catalyst for millions of failed romances, and the painful wedge that causes father to turn away from son, and mother away from daughter. We are maddeningly blind to our commonalities and eagle-eyed to our contrariness, principally because there is more opportunity to wield power in the latter by exacting "justice" over past hurtful judgements passed down on us.
In a society that fuels divisive discourse as a tactic of mass distraction from an ever-increasing encroachment of personal freedom, choosing to focus on what connects us is an act of rebellion. Forging strong connections with the people in your life is a simple matter of what you choose to focus on, and what you choose to let go.
On this Memorial Day, I remember not just the service men and women who value and fight for our precious freedom, but I remember those that have come and gone in my own life-- the fruits of possibility and connection that were left to rot on the floor because of a single bruise on an otherwise perfect specimen.
What better way to honor those that fought for our ability to exist peacefully in society than to use that gift well by choosing to cherish our brief time together? To choose to relate, rather than to be right?
The concept of "home" is something that has tormented me in recent years.
It is a concept that is often associated with familiarity, sameness, a reconnection to your past. You are supposed to feel grounded, understood, and known in a deeper way when you're in this place. It is supposed to remind you who you are, and give you a chance to breathe in a world of perpetual change.
Some people never leave their hometowns. Their best friend is the same one they had when they were 4 years old. They frequent the same restaurants, order the same food, go to the same parks, ride the same bus to work at the same time every morning.
That may work for awhile, but then something happens. Their best friend gets married and moves a few states away. Their elementary school closes and turns into office buildings. Their favorite restaurant closes and a new one takes its place that doesn't serve that amazing plate of spaghetti and meatballs with the sauce that tastes just right. The town starts to look a little different. Still, they hold tight to the things that are familiar and they mostly feel connected to the things around them, using their families as the constant in the equation and their support when change becomes too overwhelming.
If you have chosen to live this way, no judgement. It's one way of moving through life and it also happens to be the way billions of people live, whether by choice or necessity.
But it is not the path I've chosen. I have taken on every opportunity to broaden my horizons, expand my circle of friends, shake up my equilibriums and expose myself to everything new under the Sun. New Meetup group? I'm in. New language? I'm willing to learn. Move across the country? Let's go!
There is a certain mindset that you have to embrace in order to live life this way. Carol Dweck talks about this in her excellent book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Basically, you either believe that you can expand beyond the familiar and easy and actually succeed at this-- the "growth mindset"-- or you can believe that you were born with a fixed set of talents and no other possibilities exist for you-- the "fixed mindset." The one you have chosen for yourself (and yes, it is a choice) has massive implications for your experience of life.
I was born in a city where the "fixed mindset" is endemic. I don't remember when I decided it, but as far back as I can remember I knew that I was destined for a better life. Not just capable of it, but hungry for it. This partly stemmed from the desire to escape devastating psychological abuse at home, and partly from an early love of the natural world that created a kind of awe best described by William Blake's opening words to Auguries of Innocence:
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Since those early yearning days, I have soaked up every bit of the nectar of life I possibly could. I have made friends all over the world, tried my hand at learning very difficult things, and exposed myself to new cultures, ideas, and places at breakneck speeds. I have wandered very, very far from "home."
As a consequence, I have often felt isolated, drifting, unknown, misunderstood, and overwhelmed by change.
When I chose to move away from home, there was a consequence: most of my friends and family now lived in other cities. Today, as I write this, nobody within a 3000 mile radius knows what I was like as a kid, or teen, or even young adult, meaning that I can't easily inject those parts of myself into conversation. This oftentimes makes it easy to forget that people love me. Nobody gets my jokes or references to the past. My familiar guideposts and ways of relating to others are all gone.
As you can imagine, all of this can create a massive ache for a place to call "home."
Except, this place is a myth. If you take on a growth mindset, you can never go home.
Feeling "at home" presupposes both that you and the things you once knew are the same as they used to be. Even if everything about your home has remained the same, you have changed. And with your new vision of the world, your home will never feel the same. You will see its places and people with new eyes, and that grounded feeling you hoped for will never fully come.
This is the pain associated with living a growth mindset. It is what we exchange for the benefit of a free, fulfilled, and enriched life. For me, it is a worthwhile trade.... most of the time. But I have my days.
If this sounds familiar, there are three things you can do to remedy the feeling:
1) Remember that it is you who chose this life, freely and willingly. You can make a different choice anytime if it gets to be too much for you, and there's no shame in that.
2) List all the things that have come into your life-- all the new, fun, and interesting people, places, and experiences-- that you never would have had if you didn't make that choice. Spend some time in a state of gratitude for these things.
3) Finally, replace the word "home" with the word "present." If you're fully committed to a life of growth, the thing you really want is present awareness, no matter where you are or who you're with. You don't actually want what you had before. You gave that up for the benefit of something new and exciting, remember?
Something that always helps me when I'm feeling astray and needing presence is to play a game called "Just The Facts, Ma'am." In this game, I start listing out everything that I can see, hear, or feel at the moment. Like this:
"Right now, I'm driving and listening to acoustic guitar music. I like the way it sounds. There are tall buildings to my right, and trees to my left. My neck is a little stiff, and I'm feeling slightly hungry. I miss my cat, Penny. It is 5:42 pm on April 24th. I have lived in California for 1 year and 8 months. I am about to go home and change my clothes before I go out dancing. Right now, I'm worried about my meeting tomorrow at 10:00 am. I should make a note to revisit slides 3-7 in my deck before then. It's slightly chilly out now. I need to buy toothpaste."
Etcetera. This has curbed more than a few hunger pangs for this mythical place called "home," and it might work for you, too. You don't need any special tools, or an app, or to be in any particular place or doing any particular thing to get this "right." Just do it and see how it makes you feel.
It's amazing how much simple present awareness in your current environment can calm you down, make you feel more in control, make you feel... home.
Anybody whom I've ever become close to in the dance community is familiar with my intense admiration for Magna Gopal. I discovered her early on in my salsa journey (around 2009) while scouring YouTube for videos of the best salsa dancers in the world. Upon finding this video, my jaw dropped and stayed that way for the entire 2 minutes and 21 seconds. There was something... different about the way she moved her body.
I couldn't describe it at the time, and it has taken me many years of intense observation to articulate what makes this woman so special on the dance floor. Although I could never crawl inside her brain and know exactly what she's thinking, I am in a fairly decent position to comment on her style as I have watched every video posted on her YouTube channel and observed her dancing in person on multiple occasions. Even today, over 7 years later, I still watch at least one clip of her dancing before almost every salsa event I attend for a heavy dose of inspiration. If you're interested in emulating this master, read on...
To begin deconstructing Magna's moves, I searched for video clips that were well lit, with mid-tempo music (the finer points of technique are harder to observe at faster tempos), showing her entire body so as not to miss any aspect of her movement, and showing her in context with other, "average" dancers. As inspiring as watching her solo acts can be, it doesn't allow for technique comparison, which is the main goal here: understanding what makes her different. Magna has a tendency to clear out the floor as other dancers naturally want to stop and watch her, so it was quite challenging to find such videos. See below for one example:
Ready for the breakdown? Here are the rules for dancing Magna-style, as I see them:
Musicality FirstMany salsa dancers are primarily motivated by looking sexy, both to their partner and those watching from the crowd. This is a valid reason to dance, but it's not the only reason... and it's certainly not Magna's reason. Instead, she crowns musicality queen of her dance universe. It is far more important to hit the "breaks"-- to be in full communion with the instruments, emulating the energy of the dominant musical voice of the moment-- than to wriggle her hips or chest. This results in a noticeable lack of Cuban hip action, resulting in a very unique look on the floor that is hard to put your finger on at first.
Comfort-Optimized AttireBecause sexiness isn't the main goal, Magna doesn't think twice about dancing in jazz flats rather than the bedazzled, strappy Latin heels that are ubiquitous on the dance floors of today. Jeans and malfunction-free tops beat out mini dresses or any other garment that would restrict her movement or risk interrupting the dance. Her jewelry is elegant and understated rather than large and flashy, preventing potentially hazardous entanglements with her hair or her partner's passing hands. And, speaking of her hair, it is always neatly pulled back and kept away from her face for an unobstructed view. She anticipates everything that could go wrong wardrobe-wise and dresses around it, for the comfort and ease of both herself and her partner. Her thoughtfulness pays off in the form of utter fearlessness in movement, and that extra confidence is precisely what makes her effortlessly sexy, even in ripped jeans.
Conservation of EnergyAs trustworthy as it shows up in physical law, Magna can always be counted upon to follow the rule of Conservation of Dance Energy. This makes logical sense for a professional like her: when you're dancing for 5 or 6 hours straight, it's important to be able to maintain stamina until the end of the party. The only way to achieve this is to practice economy of movement. Where others would take three steps, Magna gets away with one. Part of this is balance and core strength, as you tend to fumble less when you're fully supported. Like any good comedienne who understands the power of the dramatic pause, Magna injects spaces between her movements that give her time to breathe (and her audience time to build up excitement for what is coming next).
SubtletyLess is more on the dance floor, and Magna knows this. Her embellishments, at least during the non-climactic sections of the song, are fascinating to watch partially because they're so quiet. It is too easy in salsa to believe that every move has to be flashy, but the reality is that the energy of a salsa song ebbs and flows. When the instruments are chill, as they are at least half the time, Magna is cool as a cucumber. You will never see her thrashing her arms around or doing head whips when the band is just starting to build anticipation. Even for those of us who aren't deeply familiar with the music of salsa, there is an intuitive perception of something wrong with that scene. While your average salsera counts it as a victory just to keep up with the lead, a master follower can pay attention equally to both the lead coming from her partner and the music-- they are both leading her, after all.
Body IsolationsMagna takes the word "isolation" to a whole new level. It is as if she focused all of her energy like a laser beam into a single muscle group and then just stayed there for awhile to play, delighting like a child in the infinite number of ways she can always dream up to move her body. For example, watch Magna's upper body as she executes her fancy footwork, and you will notice it's strikingly quiet. With the arms being positioned for balance, the shoulders aren't engaging in gratuitous rolling and the chest is still. A second later, she could decide to plant her heels and put her focus on her upper body, holding the lower constant. The point is, a body isolation from Magna is exactly that: a purity of focus on a single part or region of the body, seeing the expression through fully before moving on to the next.
Heel-Floor ContactSpeaking of planting her feet, notice how she actually puts her heels down often, allowing her weight to spread over the entirety of her foot over the course of the evening rather than just the balls of the feet, as many dancers do. The latter is a perfect prescription for packing it in early with painful callouses; the former, a surefire way to make it to the last song.
Modified Basic Step Magna's basic step looks very different than the typical one. This took me a while to figure out, principally because she rarely executes plain ole' basic steps. Continuing with the theme of conservation of energy, Magna tends to optimize her basic step for maximal travel during beat 2, and economy of movement during her rock steps. Broken down further, her basic looks like this:
2 - begin execution of spin or traveling step
3/4 - deceleration while continuing main move execution
5/6 - full arrival on opposite end of slot and rebalancing
&7 - syncopated rock steps
8/1 - watch for lead/prep step
This modified basic accomplishes several things:
(1) It allows her to maintain a smoother, more contiguous look with her steps. What looks more elegant to you: the swing of a pendulum clock accelerating quickly through its vertex and then gently gliding to an infinitesimal stop at its apex before turning around and doing it all over again, or the jerky motion of the second hand of your standard kitchen clock as it marches onward, abruptly marking out equally spaced, spasmodic steps?
(2) It lends visual interest, as not all the steps are the same length.
(3) It allows her to get where she's going with great speed, carrying through cross-body leads to land on the other side of her partner in record time and conveying a polished, energetic, and controlled look.
(4) It gives her more time to collect her weight and rebalance herself during the latter half of the basic, and keeps her feet directly underneath her for longer, imparting stability.
(5) This extra pause, in turn, gives her more time to watch for the next visual cue from her partner.
The average salsa dancer takes much larger, evenly spaced steps on 2-3 and 6-7. This tends to tire folks out quickly and make their footwork deteriorate as the dance goes on.
The Power of Eye ContactMany beginner dancers learn that making direct eye contact during a dance is creepy and to be avoided. At some point, however, you learn that making eye contact is an important part of following, as your partner communicates a certain type of energy through facial expressions. Keeping your head up and eyes forward is also good for balance, so it's a win/win. By watching her partner's eyes and face, Magna can better respond to her leader's energy at any given moment. A shocking number of advanced dancers don't do this, and they pay for it in the currency of missed cues.
Partner MirroringSpeaking of responding to his energy, Magna intently watches her partner for opportunities to mirror his movement (while injecting a little personal style on top, of course!). If the lead doesn't interpret the music in some playful way, she will (nondestructively) inject her own stylings but her default is to respond to the lead's energy first. This is why it's so fun to watch when Magna gets paired with a person equally as musical as she. His listening and interpretation translates directly into her body in a way that feels good and makes sense for the music, and the energy exchange is synergistic and awesomely exciting to watch!
Personal Bubble MaintenanceThat famous scene from Dirty Dancing where Johnny declares "This is my dance space, this is your dance space-- you gotta hold the frame!" applies here. Magna expertly manages the space between her and her partner, doing so by keeping a slight tension in her arms and keeping her core muscles engaged. Other dancers will collapse inside the personal space of their partner or expand too far out, making it difficult for the lead to maintain a comfortable reach with his/her arms. Magna ensures that she is never out of reach for the next move, and always at a comfortable distance for the man to execute his setup.
Knowledge of the MusicAs a professional dancer, Magna gets to listen to salsa music full time as part of her job. This has resulted in her being intimately-- almost freakishly-- aware of what is coming up next in the song. Magna doesn't just hit the "big" breaks-- she catches all the teeny tiny ones along the way, too. Anyone familiar with salsa music could tell you that the structure tends to repeat, allowing you to anticipate to some degree what is coming next just by listening to what came before. But Magna separates herself from the crowd by not only remembering the easy, repetitive parts, but also the finer details of the instrumental solos, even in the live versions of a song!
The only way to respond to the music like Magna is to study it. You may not have the time she has, but you can still listen to salsa music in the car to and from your dance events, during your work commute, or while doing the dishes or practicing in front of the mirror at home. It adds up, believe me!
Body TensionThere isn't a muscle in Magna's body that isn't taut and buzzing with at least a little bit of energy when she dances. Magna's energy seems to start in her core and flow outward, radiating through her arms and legs such that her limbs are always on high alert. Like any other professional athlete (and I would argue she is one), she can turn on a dime at a moment's notice. Other, average dancers look loose and lazy in their limbs because they're not maintaining the same level of body tension. They're not looking at their partner the way a professional tennis player faces her opponent: knees slightly bent, muscles engaged, ready for anything.
Willingness to PlayMagna isn't afraid of messing up or looking silly-- and this is precisely why she never does. Like many other instances in life where you let go and stop caring, you tend to enjoy more success than if you were strongly attached to a specific outcome. It would never occur to her to hold back a certain movement just because she has never seen it executed before. In fact, most of her moves have never been executed before in quite the way she carries them off. She just lets the music flow through her body and tell her what to do, no matter how it looks to the crowd. Piano sounding a flourish? Twiddle your fingers in the air while doing a little foot shimmy. Why? Why not?!
FlowYou will never see Magna stop dancing. While other women may halt their feet, stopping abruptly to wait for their partner to finish a spin move for instance, Magna's feet will keep moving to position her well for the next lead, or at least come together to close and restore balance. She doesn't wait for her partner-- ever. If he's busting a move, she finds a way to complement it and keep dancing. Anything less looks like a discontinuity, and a dance floor abhors a discontinuity the way nature abhors a vacuum.
Body AwarenessMagna knows what her body can and cannot do. This, I suspect, is from years of practicing at home in her living room or at the studio, experimenting with different ways of moving her body until she felt comfortable with certain types of movement. This gives her the freedom to execute totally unique jumps, blazing fast footwork, and dramatic lunges that most wouldn't dare-- all because she knows the limits of her body and stretches those limits every day. Yet another answer to the question "What makes her look so different?"
MindfulnessThis one is less of an observation and more of a memory from our lesson together back in 2013, where she related to me that she tries to be active in all things on the dance floor rather than a passive participant. Meaning: when a spin works better than the one before, she immediately tries to deconstruct why. If she misses a lead, she seeks to understand in the moment. Like a dance guru, she meditates on her performance with a level of detachment that allows her to analyze while staying perfectly present.
I know what you're thinking... WHAT?! Granted, the number of simultaneous tasks going on at any given moment on a dance floor are numerous, with some being critical for personal safety, so it's definitely not easy to analyze the success of your following ability in real time. Part of Magna's brilliance is the simple fact that she can do this at all, let alone at such a deep level of critical thought while paying attention to the music, the ongoing lead, the effort to avoid crashing into the people around her, etc.
IN CONCLUSION...
With all of that said, I know that Magna would cringe to think that others were trying to copy her rather than develop their own personal style. For an art form like dance, it is counterproductive to attempt to be anyone other than yourself. This is actually the message I think Magna conveys best: by having the courage to be unapologetically self-expressed on the dance floor, she serves not only as an inspiration but also as a glowing example of self acceptance.
Emulate Magna to learn the rules, and then break them in your own beautiful, daring, unique way. After all, there can only be one Magna Gopal... and only one you.
Sometimes we run across a concept that seems like it should be simple, but for some unknown reason, we struggle to grasp it. In those times when contradictions and conflicting explanations abound, it is best to get back to fundamentals and, as my physics professors in college would say, "prove it to yourself."
In my field of data visualization, there is one topic for which nobody seems to be able to agree: how to properly scale bubbles for bubble charts.
The general consensus seems to be that we should scale them by area, since that is what gets printed on the page and that is what our eyes "see." Nathan Yau of the well-regarded FlowingData blog, as well as Edward Tufte himself-- grandfather of data visualization-- and even Wikipedia, agree.
That is why I was surprised to read Alberto Cairo's dissenting opinion this evening in his excellent book "The Functional Art." In chapter 2, Dr. Cairo argues that what the brain perceives, even in the case of a circle, is length in one direction only. That is, despite the printed page presenting us with 2 dimensions' worth of data, our brains are not good at processing them both at the same time and instead will naturally hone in on diameter (length in a single direction).
He illustrates this point further with an analogy to the relevant information our brains would process in a bear attack, relating that we don't size up an approaching animal by both width and height to discern its danger. A towering height alone is enough for our brains to conclude that we would be dead meat-- convenient, since we only have milliseconds to figure that out!
In the past, whenever I came across an argument for how to size bubbles I would get flustered because the conventional wisdom (encode to area) was at odds with what my brain intuitively knew to be true (the brain "sees" diameter rather than area). Rather than continue to rely on words as explanations, I decided to flex my Illustrator muscle and make an infographic that explains how to make bubble chart infographics (how very meta)!
Cairo goes on to recommend that we never use bubble charts when attempting to compare numbers precisely. Since our brains only perceive a single length dimension anyway, it is a more direct solution to encode to bars in a bar chart, and leave bubble charts for when we are making rough, relative comparisons. Good point, but I don't see a reason why we shouldn't encode values to diameter in order to keep even relative comparisons more accurate.
Still can't believe that it took me at least 2 years to figure out that a visual topic could be best explained... visually!
We think it's helpful to say these things to suffering people:
"I know exactly what you mean"
- or -
"I've gone through the exact same thing"
- or, the absolute worst... -
"Tell me about it!"
The last time someone said any of the above to you in a moment of despair, what did you say to yourself? I'll bet it was some variant of the following:
"How could you possibly!?"
"No, you haven't."
"Asshole."
Here's the thing: people who are suffering cannot possibly hear or appreciate words like this. It's not that they are wrong, or that you are a liar to say them. Quite the contrary: the nexus of shared human experience gives all of us the capacity to relate to each other on a far deeper level than any of us imagined possible. When we see a friend or loved one in pain, we are the first to point out our "obvious" relatedness, believing it will instantly confer comfort.
This fails to work every time because one universal symptom of suffering is the honest belief that you are different from everybody else; that you are the first person on Earth to have experienced your unique brand of pain; that, as a consequence, you are destined to be utterly misunderstood and abjectly alone.
At best, this is a temporary lack of perspective that is subconsciously invented as a justification for total retreat from the world that inflicted pain. To protect ourselves from further injury we isolate, separate, and dissociate.
At worst, we fail to find another person to relate to before we hit the point of no return. With our little corner of the universe thoroughly carved out we discover that we are, in fact, standing alone. The self-fulfilling prophecy of man-as-island frighteningly transforms the symptom of our suffering into... the cause. You may know of a tragic case like this. I certainly do.
Use of the words "I" and "me" anywhere in the empathy narrative, then, just doesn't compute. They deflect attention back to that part of the world that has been abandoned. This comes off as presumptuous and selfish, and it is. Don't ever assume that your tapestry of troubles is woven from identically colored, textured, sized, and placed threads. It may be similar, but it can never be the *exact* same.
Here is what actually works:
Listen, listen, listen.
Forget about yourself for awhile.
Maintain an attitude of quiet but authentic curiosity for what the experience of life is like *for them*.
Immerse yourself in the world they describe, letting them re-create for you as much or as little of it as they wish (the better you listen, the more they will re-create).
Maintain eye contact, and use body language to connect without interrupting.
Ask clarifying questions if you don't understand something.
Most importantly, throw yourself a tow line and tug on it gently when you feel yourself getting close to your emotional event horizon. Trust me, they don't want you to drown with them (that would, after all, break the loneliness narrative).
When the kernels of pain have stopped popping, thank them for inviting you in to their private world. Repeat the key ideas, adding no embellishments, so they know they were heard. If you must refer to yourself, say something like, "I can see better now where you're coming from." Claim only increased capacity to relate rather than perfect understanding. The former will allow them to dig themselves out; the latter will have them continue to resist.
A partial list of the tasks I am attempting to complete, in full and with excellence, every day:
Getting enough sleep (for me, 6.5-7 hrs)
Taking my morning medication within the same exact 30 minute window, exactly as directed
Brushing and flossing (x2)
Showing up to work early, dressed like a true professional, hair perfectly coiffed and outfit elegantly accessorized
Returning all calls and emails within a reasonable period of time
Keeping up with the latest research in the EdTech market so I can stay relevant in my chosen field
Building on my corpus of data science knowledge and techniques in a way that benefits both my short and long term career goals
Using my time effectively and being productive throughout the entire workday in the face of vague and constantly shifting requirements, maddening dependencies, a noisy open office environment yielding constant distractions, and a stream of disruptive meetings
Scheduling and actually carrying out the recommended number of regular work breaks to walk, stretch, and relax my eyes so as to avoid early onset carpal tunnel syndrome, back ailments, and permanent vision impairment
Leaving that office environment at the optimized confluence of maximal number of important tasks checked off and minimal evening commute time
Squeezing productivity out of every possible commute-minute by listening to insightful, educational podcasts
Navigating the ravages of US-101 at rush hour while absorbing said insightful, educational information without maiming or killing myself
Actively thinking about ways to make a positive difference in the lives of my friends and family
Getting both of my inboxes-- work and personal-- to zero before bed
Staying up-to-date with important world news and events
Staying likewise up-to-date with equally (if not more) important news from the lives of my friends and family, most of whom live thousands of miles away
Eating a diet that is vegetarian, protein-rich, low-carb, dairy-free, tasty, well-balanced, and in-line with the best insights current scientific research has to offer
Maintain >90th percentile-level order and cleanliness in my home
Utilizing and keeping up-to-date an ever growing list of apps/software programs/hardware tools/keyboard shortcuts to keep my To-Do list in check and my life sufficiently quantified for a self-respecting "Valley-ite"
Re-evaluating the day's new inputs in light of my short and long term career/life goals, and always knowing exactly where I stand in my plan
Writing an insightful blog post that will be a contribution to anyone who reads it
Learning and practicing Spanish toward my goal of conversational fluency by November
Staying engaged and generous in time and spirit in a long distance romantic relationship
Making sure my finances are being effectively tracked and intelligently invested in an increasingly complex global economy
Making progress on reading any one of a stack of books from an intake queue that could probably span floor-to-ceiling in my bedroom, all of which are terribly vital to absorb RIGHT NOW
Staying mentally sharp and psychologically strong despite a recent major medical challenge
Practicing gratitude in the face of it all
Sounds familiar, yes? If not, read enough personal development books and you'll get there soon.
I challenge you to make your own "successful day criteria" list and take a hard look at it. Does it contain 10 things? 50 things? More things than there are hours in a day (mine has 27)?
... in any case, more than you expected.
Are you denying yourself sleep, fulfillment, happiness, or satisfaction of any kind upon not successfully completing everything on it, everyday? To what incredible heights are you subconsciously forcing yourself to rise to convince yourself that you're merely "doing ok"?
Or, an equally insidious method of self-harm: who are you comparing yourself to that you are utterly convinced successfully pulls this level of productivity off every day? Take that person out to lunch sometime and ask him or her what a typical day really looks like. You will be amazed at what you find out, I promise.
The key to licking this particular flavor of self-defeat lies in convincing ourselves of two non-obvious things:
First, that a stripping away can only raise the bar. Less tasks mean less dilution of effort, but also heightened focus, per task. It demands going deeper, and choosing to think like a master.
Second, that you are capable of achieving the focus necessary for deeply vertical tasks. Fear of focused thinking leads us to create scenarios where we don't have to engage in it. In other words, you might be spread too thin as an avoidance mechanism. If so, the good news is that your lengthy to-do list is a problem of your own making, despite the contrary perception of constant task onslaught.
Just remember, before you lose any more sleep tonight: the only person keeping score on you is you. Everyone else is just too busy to notice.
Want a recipe for a lifelong friendship? Ask and answer these four questions about your friend:
(1) What am I trying to learn from this person?
Openly acknowledge his/her strength in that area and ask for mentorship, while actively creating opportunities for them to share their knowledge with you. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary as you absorb their knowledge. If you think this person has nothing to teach you, look harder. If they are not willing to share their knowledge with you, and the information isn't justifiably private, move on to someone else who doesn't hoard their talents.
(2) What can I contribute that would really make a difference for this person right now?
Who is this person trying to become? What problem are they trying to solve? Is their vision for what's possible too small for their talents? Listen intently and carefully first, with a curiosity of spirit. Discover who they really are, injecting nothing of yourself. Be the fresh perspective, the Socratic questioner, the Devil's Advocate-- the balloon artist who offers an infinite array of colors and shapes to be chosen, unchosen, and re-chosen, and then acts to inflate the final choice. Most importantly, give support in the spirit of enriching-- not fixing.
(3) What does this person freely and naturally love to give to his/her friends?
What does this person seem to have a boundless capacity to give? What actions authentically energize them? These are the things they most want to offer, and that make them feel deeply valued in the act of their giving. Freely ask them for this thing when you need or want it, secure in the knowledge that they are willing, able, and delighted to give it.
(4) What does this person not have the capacity to give?
Is there something this person never makes time for or shows interest in? Don't ever ask them to provide this thing. Often, their expressed guilt or frustration with another person due to lacking some trait or interest can serve as a guide to what you should never request from them. Do they hate talking politics? Even if it's your favorite topic, discuss it with another friend who enjoys that sort of thing. Do they like to go to bed early? Don't pressure them to attend an event that runs until midnight. Do they make half your income? Invite them out for meals that suit their budget; not yours. Anticipate and avoid emotional land mines. Your friends aim to please you; if you love them, rig the rules to ensure that they're playing a game they can win. Thankfully, you have other friends to share these experiences with. A person who can't give you everything you need can still love you, if you choose to let them.
It is an act of generosity to complete this exercise for any loved one, and is guaranteed to either extend the life of your relationship or help inform whether you should let it go. If you are my friend, rest assured I have completed this for you.
You probably don't actually want to buy the thing. You just want the knowledge that you could buy it if you wanted to. This is why new purchases lose their luster immediately after credit card swipe. Freedom of choice is much more appealing than even the most desirable window candy. This lesson has saved me untold amounts of money.
The mega-rich have an extremely difficult time finding items to buy whose quality is commensurate with the price they are willing and able to pay. The richest people on the planet may be able to buy a bigger house than you, because this is a commodity that can be scaled up arbitrarily high in size (e.g. the "Palazzo di Amore" in Beverly Hills has 12 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms, a vineyard, and parking for two dozen cars and was selling for a cool $195M a few months ago). But it is likely that they cannot find a pair of shoes that is 100x more comfortable than the ones you own simply by offering 100x the money you could. Companies that make extreme high quality goods generally don't exist for many everyday items. Barring bigger ticket items like houses and cars, you can probably wear the same shirt and use the same kitchen utensils a billionaire does. So if you're the type of person who doesn't care to own the latest designer sportscar or be counted among the Most Expensive Listings on Zillow, you can likely enjoy the same quality goods as someone whose net worth is many times your own.
... on love and connection:
Don't assume that people with a high Intellectual Quotient, or "IQ", have an equally high Emotional Quotient, or "EQ". In fact, these two metrics are often inversely proportional, as discussed recently by Walter O'Brien on the Tim Ferriss podcast (skip to 15:05), a man who tips the IQ scale at 197 (and that was at age 9). Folks with high IQ often enjoy high income-earning potential, which may appear to be a happy side-benefit for those of us who pursue partners primarily on the basis of intellectual capability and camaraderie. But caveat emptor: you may find that the person who can give you anything money can buy is completely and maddeningly bereft of the ability to give you anything that money cannot buy.
If the wealthy person is many years your senior (true in my case), the following applies: it is 10x more difficult to communicate with a person who grew up with a completely different set of TV shows, books, movies, hit radio songs, memories of important historical events, and general pop culture references than you. Far from being merely circumstantial details, we tend to anchor our understanding of the world and ourselves through metaphors constructed from allusions and references to familiar things from our past. Like a good work of art that effectively portrays an emotional sum in a single image, a literary or movie character can encapsulate a life experience or observation and afford us the opportunity to express some aspect of ourselves concisely in ways it is difficult to appreciate until this benefit is removed. When the source of these metaphors is unknown or misunderstood, it complicates our ability to relate to each other on a deep level, which threatens the relationship in unexpectedly profound ways.
Every now and then, we have all had the experience of a thought that bubbles up out of some quiet corner of our mind, seemingly out of nowhere, but which tidily summarizes a struggle or experience. All of a sudden, we have a new framework: a place to stand, a stick to put in the ground, a new leitmotif for life that we can revisit when wanted or needed.
A few among us choose to share the tidy takeaways of those private moments with others, with a conviction that our seemingly siloed musings might benefit another isolated soul in some far-flung corner of the Earth, trapped inside a cell of certainty that he is utterly alone with his challenges and insecurities.
Today, I join the ranks of those few. Some may consider the act of starting a blog philanthropic inside of the romantic narrative outlined above, but make no mistake: bloggers start blogs for themselves. Whether it be a subject we are trying to master, an image we are attempting to cultivate or convey, or a disciplined habit we would like to instill... you, dear reader, are simply along for the ride, participating in the self-actualization of another, with varying degrees of applicability to your own life.
Which begs the question: what is my motivation here? I will freely give it up in this inaugural post, at least to the extent that I understand it today. In short, there are 2 reasons.
First, I have thought about starting a blog for a long time... if memory serves, since ~1998. I have researched all the best blogging platforms, made comparison spreadsheets, and evaluated more design templates than I care to admit over countless evenings and weekends. An endless array of choices, leaving me completely paralyzed in a true Schwartzian tornado of indecision.
What will my "niche" be? Should I use my real name? Do I need a new headshot? Does this header background look better in R,G,B = 99, 143, 82 or 127, 143, 82? Let's learn ALL of CSS so that I can customize every pixel of my new homepage, thus rendering my thoughts worthy of being read...
An hour ago, I signed up for typepad on a whim (what's good enough for Seth Godin is good enough for me), picked the simplest theme I could find, and intentionally customized nothing at all about my site to expedite the process of getting to the "Compose" window on my first post. It's a complete departure from my standard, rabbit-hole method for attacking new projects. And that's the point.
Secondly, it takes a person of self-esteem to regard their own thoughts as noteworthy enough to even jot down, let-alone share out to an audience of billions. I didn't realize that I lacked such a basic regard for myself until a former romantic partner of mine started recording audio snippets of my conversations with him and taking notes on my behalf in what became a copious collection of Google Docs, after encouraging me to do so myself to no avail. This simple habit dramatically altered my self-assessment, but I have fallen out of practice again.
In sum, this blog will be a celebration of decisiveness in all of its imperfect glory, and self-worth as cultivated through the simple, tangible act of honoring the value of my thoughts by writing them down. I can only hope that my reflections offer up something approaching a fair trade for your time, but I would be remiss not to point out that a better return on investment would be to march on over to your platform of choice and start walking your own messy, crooked, courageous path of self-discovery.
